When Kids Call The Shots We Can Have Bullied Parents | Sean Grover | Episode 72

Are you struggling with your teen? Those daily tussles or the cold shoulder can be frustrating. But could it be that you’re actually being bullied? Bullied parents are not something we think of, or discuss much, but it happens all the time. When kids call the shots, through defiance, pushing us away, or manipulating us, we can end up being bullied. If you find yourself feeling frustrated, walking on eggshells or wondering what went wrong, listen to therapist Sean Grover discuss the what, why, and solutions with Mighty Parenting podcast hosts Judy Davis and Sandy Fowler. He’s amazingly insightful as well as candid about his own foray into being a bullied parent.

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A Favorite Quote from the Show:

“Limits are love.”

High Points of When Kids Call the Shots We Can Have Bullied Parents:

You can tell a child is calling the shots by the way they speak to their parent, using phrases like “Get over it”, talking over them, saying “blah, blah, blah” as they’re speaking. The child has no idea this is inappropriate.

If we find ourselves tolerating frustration then it’s likely our child has been over indulged. Now your child thinks all they need to do to get their way is to push you around.

What could this look like when they become an adult? They could end up with a gambling addiction, credit card debt, or in an abusive relationship.

It’s a big red flag if your family is living in a culture of disrespect.

The Defiant Bully

• This type of bullying happens when a child feels they are not seen.
• Defiant bullies are confrontational and oppositional. They will talk over you.
• The defiant bully needs limits.

The Anxious Bully

• Anxious bullies often have anxious parents.
• They are trying to separate from their parent and show this by constantly pushing the parent away.
• They will push until the parent sets limits.

Limits are not punishment.

Our kids are becoming more impulsive, less mindful, and experiencing a reduction in language skills and emotional intelligence.

Technology is a wonderful tool but should never be a way of life. We need to put limits on technology use. Expect big pushback – that’s okay.

We need to create flexible structures.

Kids who bully are raising a red flag, saying they need help.

Teenagers often have more feelings than words.

5 Things Every Teenager Needs

1. Tension outlet – cardio workouts are good for this
2. Structure in the form of limits and boundaries – respect
3. Models and Mentors
4. Learning Diagnostics
5. Self-esteem Building Activities – support them in doing things around their passion

Manipulative Bully

• They are really clever at manipulating people to get what they want.
• They are trying to manage their feelings and emotions by managing their environment.

We need to teach our teens how to manage their feelings and emotions.

• Model it
• Avoid advice, criticism, and comparison
• Approach them individually
• Use activity to discharge tension
• Listen more than you talk

Resources Mentioned in Show:

When Kids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully — and Enjoy Being a Parent Again by Sean Grover

Our Guest Sean Grover:

Sean Grover is a psychotherapist, author, and father with 25 years experience helping parents fend off nervous breakdowns (including his own). His parenting book WHEN KIDS CALL THE SHOTS: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully and Enjoy Parenting Againwas named Best New Nonfiction by Publishers Weekly and has been translated into Chinese, Korean and Russian. Sean’s parenting advice has been featured in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, The Atlantic and other international publications.

To learn more or connect with our guest visit https://seangrover.com