What Parents Need to Know About Porn and Teenagers | Megan Maas | Episode 167

Pornography is something our parents typically didn’t discuss with us as we grew up, other than some backhanded comments or telling us to avoid it. Nor was it as prevalent as it is today. Plus, the nature of porn has changed dramatically and there’s science to show it impacts our children’s brains. Megan Maas joins Mighty Parenting  Podcast host Sandy Fowler to help you understand what’s happening and how you can take a healthy approach. They discuss attitudes, violence, habits and more. They talk about the impact on our children’s relationships as well as strategies for communicating with your teen or twenty something about pornography.

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A Favorite Quote from the Show:

“Regardless of your own perspective of the rightness or wrongness of porn, if you’re intensely emotional it can create intense shame in your teen. Shame and sex are a toxic combo that too many know all too well. And we aren’t shamed into better behaviors, we just become better at keeping those behaviors secret.”

High Points From Our Conversation:

Pornography use is much more prevalent among young people than among older people so parents have outdated information about what it is and how it’s used.

Top sites are called tube sites. You can see whatever you want. It’s more than just naked people or people having sex.

Anyone with a camera and internet access can become a pornographer so there’s a lot of posting on these free sites that depicts abuse, groups, and more.

Curiosity is normal but there are some problems. Part of the problem is thought to be the availability of porn. Another problem is the impact. The scientific community is divided but agrees one can use pornography in a harmful way. Its use can interfere with relationships, self-esteem, or the ability to concentrate.

Some kids turn to porn any time they’re bored or have an unpleasant feeling.

The availability of porn online means there’s less of a need to seek out a sexual experiences with another human being. This can leave some people scared and ill equipped to have sexual experiences and romantic relationships with other people.

This is the first generation of twenty somethings who are actually having less sex than prior generations. There’s a lot of concern about isolation and feelings of loneliness.

Pornography has replaced real life sex or made it more difficult for some people.

We live in a competitive culture. Let kids know sex isn’t a competition. They will have access to sex their whole lives and their worth does not rely on who they’re having sex with or how much sex they’re having.

Sex is about two people connecting and pornography doesn’t show that. This normalizes coercive sex or intoxicated sex.

We need to communicate with kids about pornography, sex, and healthy relationships.

When your relationship is healthy and sex is healthy, things move slowly. You also talk through it and check in with your partner all along the way.

Talk to your teen about pornography really being about advertising. Reminds them this website exists to get people to visit it so they can get a lot of traffic for advertising. They also they sell your personal data, especially when you access on a mobile device.

This is the commodification of sex—sex turned into a product. This means they have to make it exciting, shocking, and intense because it needs to drive traffic to the site.

Sex is actually about communication, pleasure, and having fun with somebody.

People who wait until marriage to have sex have really strong ideas of who they are and what they’re going to be in the world. They have the skills and the vocabulary to be able to engage in kissing or touching without engaging in a full sexual experience. So our kids need a lot of skills to navigate sex.

Who do they want to have sex with? Someone you’re just dating or someone you love or are engaged to or living with?

Hookup culture is about connecting in the moment. They need to understand that person they’re having sex with is a human being; they have feelings and deserve respect.

We can’t control who our children have sex with or when they start having sex but we can give them clues on what that should look like if they’re in a safe and healthy context of doing it.

“Regardless of your own perspective of the rightness or wrongness of porn, if you’re intensely emotional it can create intense shame. Shame and sex are a toxic combo that too many know all too well. And we aren’t shamed into better behaviors, we just become better at keeping those behaviors secret.”

Regardless of your views and values around pornography, it needs to be discussed. We need to show our children love and respect and remain calm. The message they need to receive is they are okay. We want them to know their parents care about how their relationships are going to unfold, about their health and well being.

80% of teenagers have had sex by age 18 so it’s important to communicate without creating shame.

You want to be approachable enough that if they were sexually coerced or victimized, if their best friend perpetrated sexual violence, if someone was pregnant and needed help, they would feel they could talk to you and know you would help them figure it out.

You can have conservative values and be supportive.

Kids with really supportive parents tend to delay sex longer and are less likely to watch pornography.

Starting the conversation with your teen or young adult can feel awkward. The first thing to do is to get informed and get a little more comfortable. Maybe talk to your sibling, a spouse, or a friend. It can help you get some butterflies out and get more comfortable. Then you can bring it up to your child by saying you’re sorry you never brought this up. Tell them you just learned a lot more about it and they deserved to have more information back then. Then see what they say.

Instead of interrogating them about what they know or all the negative effects—exploitation, violence, having a hard time being aroused by a person—ask them how they talk to their friends about it. “What do your friends say about this? Is it the norm? What do people think about porn? If you’re in a relationship do you think you’ll use it when you’re married?” This allows you to gauge their thoughts.

Don’t pressure them to talk to you about their experiences with porn. You just want to send the message you are there to talk about this scary thing.

You want them to know it’s okay to talk to their partner about pornography. It’s also okay to be uncomfortable with it and even have a boundary about it.

When one person in a relationship is using pornography and no one is talking about it, it can create problems.

Resources:

Mighty Parenting email series How to Talk to Your Teen is at MightyParenting.com

Megan’s guide Talking With Kids About Porn is on a pop up on her website MeganMaas.com

Megan’s blog post on being an approachable parent: Steps to Take to Establish Yourself as an Approachable Parent

Sexuality and Gender Identity Concerns | Sarah Sproule | Episode 144

Talking Sex To Your Teenager | Cath Hakanson | Episode 12

Our Guest Megan Maas:

Megan Maas, PhD, is an assistant professor in Human Development & Family Studies. Her work sits at the intersection of sexual violence prevention and sexual health promotion. She received her PhD in 2016 from The Pennsylvania State University as a pre-doctoral fellow funded by the National Institutes of Health. Her award-winning research, recognized by the American Psychological Association, focuses on adolescent sexual socialization, with an emphasis on the bi-directional role that social media, sexting, and online pornography play in the development of attitudes and behavior related to sexuality and gender.

Born and raised in California, Dr. Maas started her career as a health educator, developing a popular lecture series integrating peer-reviewed information on pornography use with sexual health and violence behaviors. For the last 10 years, she has been invited to talk on this subject for audiences of students, parents, and teachers at universities and organizations across the US.

To learn more or connect with our guest visit http://www.meganmaas.com

Our Sponsor:

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