The Effects of Family Arguments | Lynda Cormier | Episode 190

Thanks to family stories, past experiences and popular media exposure, it’s been hammered into us that arguing in a family should not happen; that arguments are bad and shouldn’t be present in a happy, healthy family. Nobody likes listening to their parents or siblings argue. However, arguments also get points across when we feel we can’t get them across any other way. Today Mighty Parenting podcast host Sandy Fowler is joined by Lynda Cormier, a personal development speaker and coach, to help us understand arguing, its place in familial relationships, and how we can make it productive instead of hurtful.

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A Favorite Quote from the Show: 

It’s okay if we have an argument. It’s what we learn on the other side of the argument that makes such a difference.

High Points From Our Conversation on the Effects of Family Arguments:

Any breakdown in relationships comes from expectations, often miscommunicated or inaccurate.

Working through arguments brings us closer.

It’s not that we argue, it’s how we argue. We’re conditioned to believe that being wrong is not okay so in family arguments we tend to defend our own opinion, especially if we feel unseen or unheard otherwise.

Their perception of what’s happening is their reality (as your perception is yours; everyone’s perspective is different and valid, even if it isn’t always what’s actually happening). 

There’s intention (what you’re trying to communicate) and there’s impact (the actual effect of what you communicated).

Words are important; they can hurt and heal in equal measure, and in (or after) family arguments, acknowledgement of their impact is crucial, especially if you said hurtful things you didn’t mean. It might be hard, but offer up an olive branch: I don’t want your pain to be in vain. I’ve learned something from our fight. And I hurt you. How can I make this up to you? 

Arguments can be useful and have purposes beyond hurting people; you have to stay connected to the desired outcome of the argument: what is your point? How do you plan to get it across? Are you willing to acknowledge others’ points as valid? Can you communicate calmly and rationally without getting sidetracked or upset?

We can all feel when we’re getting upset. That emotion is sending a message. When you get highly emotional, you’re less able to stay calm. Breath is often the difference between fear or anger and rationalization. If you’re arguing and you feel yourself getting worked up, afraid or angry or frustrated—take a breath. Take two. Count to ten or back from ten if you need to. Remind yourself: I have a point(s) to communicate. What’s my desired outcome for this argument? 

Also remember that your desired outcome can be changed. If the argument is spiraling, or the turns it’s taking are not conducive to your original desired outcome, you may need to alter it and put aside the original for another (calmer) discussion.

Open your mouth and your heart at the same time. An argument does not always equal shouting or saying hurtful things; it can be another term for debate or discussion, if anger and fear can be kept out of the picture. To understand one another, you have to be willing to open up and share what you really feel and what you really mean, without making either of those things into weapons to win said argument.

Frequent family arguments usually mean strained relationships and ineffective communication. Ultimately, the idea is not to be fearful or hurtful, but to be vulnerable with one another. We’ve had such a strained relationship; it hurts me and I think it hurts you. What can we do to lessen that strain?

Resources:

Mighty Parenting Tackles: Ending Family Friction | Judy Davis and Sandy Fowler | Episode 52

How Parents Of Teens Can Keep Their Romantic Relationship Healthy | Dr. Terri Orbuch | Episode 57

Fighting With Your Teenager | Laurie Warren | Episode 117

Resolving Differences | Jude Bijou | Episode 132

Our Guest Lynda Cormier:

Lynda is one of the most sought-after personal development speakers, coaches and business executives today. She is both the published author and facilitator of the award-winning Breakthrough Living Personal Development/Coaching Program, the creator of the Roots and Wings Initiative that teaches leadership, personal growth and ‘team’ to teenagers and young adults, as well as the Co-Founder and Co-CEO of GIA, an international wellness company that Lynda guided from a local startup to an international, multi-million dollar success story. 

To learn more or connect with our guest visit www.lyndacormier.com.

Our Sponsor:

Sandy Fowler: Are you stressed but don’t have time to deal with it? I get it. Grab my complimentary lesson at http://sandyfowler.com/notime to find out how to start feeling better today.