Teens Lying to Parents | Kimball Lewis | Episode 170

When we’re waiting for our little bundles of joy to show up in our lives we dream; we dream about holding them, spending time with them, and enjoying a great relationship when they’re all grown up. We don’t dream about teens lying to parents, manipulating, arguing, or teens talking back. These are some of the more challenging behavior problems we encounter with our teenagers and they’re ones that erode our relationship as well. But there are solutions. Kimball Lewis from EmpoweringParents.com is joins Mighty Parenting podcast host Sandy Fowler to take a look at challenging behaviors like teens lying to parents and arguing with parents to help us understand what’s happening, why, and what we can do about it.

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A Favorite Quote from the Show: 

Your teen may be using arguing as a technique to get you to give in or stop holding them accountable.

High Points From Our Conversation About Teens Lying to Parents and Arguing With Parents:

Teens lying to parents is a behavior issue not a moral one. Our teenagers are facing problems for the first time and don’t know how to handle it. They simply have poor problem solving skills.

Don’t take it personally.  It’s not about you.  They would have lied to anyone in that situation. It’s important not to take it personally when your teen lies to you. Just think, “My child has a behavior issue and I need to help them.”

When we take it personally we feel hurt and disappointed. It can cause us to not like our child and our relationship with them suffers.

Sadly, many parents don’t like their child during the teen years and they feel terrible guilt about it. What you really don’t like is your child’s behavior and the choices they’re making. Remember you don’t have to be best friends with your child. You still love your child and can be an effective parent.

Always confront the lies your teen tells you. Tell them that’s not true and state why.

Your child can begin to believe the lie is true. If you don’t confront them then the lie is successful and it reinforces it.

Confront your teen with the lie and give consequences based on the behavior. Know the consequence ahead of time. “I know you’re lying and there are consequences for it.”

You can schedule a time to discuss the lying and find out why they’re lying.

It may take several weeks for your teen to get this. They need to practice new skills. If you follow this approach consistently, they will figure it out.

“You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. You can RSVP no to your child’s argument.” ~ James Leeman

Your teen may be using arguing as a technique to get you to give in or stop holding them accountable.  You can respond with “Don’t talk to me like that” or “I can’t talk to you when you argue like this”. Suddenly, the tool that was so effective doesn’t work anymore.

Arguing lets a powerless child have power over a parent. Walking away from an arguing or lying teen shows them this doesn’t work.

They aren’t arguing about the rules. They’re arguing to get out of the rules.

Teens lying to parents requires that parents:

• • Apply consequences
  • Do it dispassionately
  • Have a problem-solving conversation

Call out manipulation just like you call out teens lying to parents.

Ask yourself if your teenager is behaving this way with everyone or just with you. If it’s just with you then it’s likely to be a behavior problem. If it happens with everyone then it may be time to get some professional help.

Resources:

Why Don’t Consequences Work for My Teen?

How to Discipline Your Child: Effective Consequences for Children Who Don’t Listen

Parenting Power Struggles – Tired of Fighting with Your Teen? | Neil D. Brown | Episode 25

When Kids Call The Shots We Can Have Bullied Parents | Sean Grover | Episode 72

Our Guest Kimball Lewis:

Kimball Lewis is an executive who has spent his career using research and technology to improve the lives of individuals and businesses. He began his career as a health, welfare, and child policy researcher for a leading public policy think-tank in Washington, DC. He then served as a technologist and executive in a series of successful healthcare start-up businesses. Mr. Lewis joined EmpoweringParents.com as CEO in 2017. At EmoweringParents.com, Mr. Lewis is committed to ensuring that the timeless and practical parenting advice of James Lehman and The Total Transformation® endures for future generations of parents struggling to manage the most challenging child behavior problems. Mr. Lewis resides in Florida, USA, with his wife and two teenage sons.

To learn more or connect with our guest visit www.empoweringparents.com 

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