Stop Struggling With Teen Behavior Problems | Wendy Gossett | Episode 150

Have you ever felt like you just couldn’t get along with your teen? Are they exhibiting a behavior that you just can’t get them to change? Teen behavior problems are one of the top reasons parents listen to the Mighty Parenting podcast. What if that behavior isn’t really a problem? What if that difficult temperament in your teenager could get much better with a simple reframing and common understanding? Parenting coach Wendy Gossett uses parenting by personality to help parents and teens get past behavior issues, increase self-esteem, and improve their relationship. She’s talking to Mighty Parenting podcast host Sandy Fowler about the various temperaments and their impact on us, our teens, the family dynamic, and our relationships.

Apple Podcasts | Player FM | iheartradio | Castbox | Podchaser | Overcast

A Favorite Quote from the Show: 

One of the top problems our kids are facing is an identity problem. Parenting by personality teaches our kids to own their strengths and limitations to help build their identity.

High Points From Our Conversation:

Parenting her son was easy for Wendy. He was so much like her that Wendy understood him well. Her daughter was a different story. Wendy could see her daughter’s weaknesses clearly but was blind to her strengths because they were so different from hers.

We need to remember that we are the adult. Our children should not have to relate to us in the way we need. Rather, we have to relate to them in the way they need.

Temperament manifests itself in children differently than in adults.

Unconsciously, we often try to mold our kids into being, acting, and interacting in the way we think is best.

Parenting by personality isn’t about simply giving into them. It’s about acknowledging their needs and the way they are wired. It’s about mutual respect. We parent them the way they need at the same time as sharing with them what we need.

It’s a mutual honor system based on respect and that motivates our teens.

You are teaching your kids about different temperaments and how to work with them by having conversations about how the two of you do things differently. It shows them how to put on someone else’s perspective and how they see the world.

Our kids think they’re the only ones with limitations.

A limitation is a strength that is being over, under, or misused. So when you talk about limitations, take it back to the strength they’re misusing. For example, if you have a child who argues everything, rename that as negotiating.  When they argue, say something like, “Hey, this isn’t really solving anything. You’re so good at solving problems, can we make this more of a negotiation where I’m half-way happy and you’re half-way happy? Can we come back to the table with some possible solutions?”

Be willing to share your own limitations with them. It helps them be more open to discussing their limitations. They can be your support in areas you struggle with and vice versa. 

When our child doesn’t feel appreciated and understood, they can get more and more anxious and start acting out. This leads to teen behavior problems.

The four temperaments are the Wizard of Oz characters:

• • Dorothy wants to go home.  She craves safety and security. She needs a plan, she needs to know what’s going on and how to follow the rules. 
  • Lion just wants to experience life. He learns from the school of hard knocks where you just do it and learn. 
  • Scarecrow is all about their brain. They are quite autonomous. They feel like they know more than their parents and walk around as the CEO of the house. 
  • Tin Man is all about the heart. He focuses on relationships and finding meaning in life. He loves making and creating things but needs to have meaning and purpose behind it. 

Some temperaments are wired more sensitive and are more prone to depression. Knowing their strengths can help build their self-esteem.

Parenting by personality helps strengthen relationships because our teen feels seen, heard, and understood.

There’s so much peer pressure in parenting. Understanding our teenager’s temperament lets us relax. We can stop pushing against the tide of our teen’s behavior  problem and go with the flow of their temperament. The most important thing to do with your child is to listen. Listen for who they are, what they need, and what they value.

Resources:

Free Child Inner Drive Assessment for Mighty Parenting listeners (one per family $39 value. Enter the code ‘navigate’ at checkout on wendygosset.com.

Parenting Power Struggles – Tired of Fighting with Your Teen? | Neil D. Brown | Episode 25

Our Guest Wendy. Gossett:

Wendy Gossett is a best-selling author, speaker and parenting specialist who helps parents understand their children by using temperament psychology and neuroscience. She has over twenty years of experience in education, working in the classroom and corporate sector.

However, she and her own daughter were opposites, and struggled to connect. Since the User Manual for parenting didn’t exist, she set out to create one. 

She is also known for embarrassing her seventeen-year old son in a Colorado blizzard while stranded on the Interstate. She never dreamed that this family video would be seen all over the world and talked about by Hoda Kotb, Debra Norville, the BackStreet Boys, and even Princess Kate!

Because she has struggled as a helicopter parent, an explosive parent and an embarrassing parent, she wants to help other parents struggle…a little bit less! 

To learn more or connect with our guest visit wendy@wendygossett.com   

Our Sponsors:

iBme — A Shelter in the Storm: post-election online mindfulness retreat for all ages

Inward Bound Mindfulness Education–iBme provides In-depth mindfulness programs for teens and young adults. Courses and retreats help them learn awareness, compassion, and concentration practices which develop deep listening skills, self-awareness, and communication essential competencies for success in all areas of life. Offerings have expanded to include courses for parents and other adults; all available online for 2020. Check the schedule and register at https://ibme.com/programs/landing/

Sandy Fowler—The Art and Science of Saying No: Ditch Guilt, Find Time, and Enjoy Your Life More Find out why saying no hasn’t worked for you, Sandy’s formula for saying no, and how to handle different types of people when they push back. Grab the course now, before the price goes up, and gain free access to Sandy’s live support round next week.