Resolving Differences | Jude Bijou | Episode 132

When there’s conflict in the home, parents tend to say it’s because they have a difficult teenager. Arguments, eye rolling, tears, and the statements like, “You just don’t understand” or “You never listen” are frustrating. Parents feel like they’re walking on egg shells or always living with tension. They don’t know how to resolve the conflict. But what if you didn’t have to wait for your teen to change? What if you could do something to turn the tide? Jude Bijou will talk about resolving conflict with Mighty Parenting podcast host Sandy Fowler. She will share how good communication can change the dynamics of the household and show you how to communicate simply, lovingly, and effectively.

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A Favorite Quote from the Show: 

“As soon as we convey understanding, we melt differences.”

High Points From Our Conversation on Resolving Differences:

When we disagree we have 2 choices. We can either produce understanding and forward movement or we can produce separation, alienation, and isolation.

Most of us modeled our communication on our parents and those around us. Typically their communication styles were not good. When we model their style then we end up with poor communication.

The way we say things influences the outcome. The statements below show communication violations followed by a correction:

• You never help with the dishes. | I need help with the dishes right now.
• Are you ready to go home? | I’m ready to go home right now.
• You’re monopolizing the conversation. | I have something I want to say.
• We always do what you want to do. | I don’t want to spend the weekend with your parents.
• This isn’t working. | I want to discuss where we are in our re

If we just master 3 simple rules of communication—and listen appropriately—we have the tools we need to communicate well with our child, partner or spouse, neighbor, and others.

The 4 Rules for Effective Communication

1. 1. Talk about yourself
   2. Stay specific and concrete
   3. Be kind
   4. Simply listen

When we focus on other people we are “you-ing”. This creates separation and accentuates our differences.

“I think that you” or “I feel like you” is a way in which we pretend we are doing an I statement. It is really a veiled “you” statement. The entire comment needs to be about yourself. You are sharing what is true for yourself. 

Well expressed I statements take us from being a victim and into our power.

Kindness is offering appreciations, praise, focusing on the positive, and offering gratitude. It’s looking for what’s going to move a conversation and interaction forward. Kindness fosters love.

When we show understanding we melt differences.

“Tell me more.” “That’s interesting.”

Listening violations include: interrupting, leaping into problem solving, offering advice, finishing sentences, changing the topic, or debating.

We can involve just 2 people or a group when resolving differences. The process is the same.

The Simple Way to Resolve Differences

Choose one topic to discuss.

1. 1. Exchange views and needs about a specific issue until everyone feels understood. You can do this by taking turns speaking, sharing what’s true for you. Set a timer and move from person to person, allowing each person equal time to speak while everyone else is silent. Repeat this until everyone has shared everything that is true for them.
   2. Together, find a workable solution. Put together everything you’ve heard to come up with a win-win solution.

When you determine a solution, write it down.

The four rules of communication are all we need when resolving differences.

Resources Mentioned in Show:

Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life

Mighty Parenting podcast episode 103 https://mightyparenting.com/understanding-and-managing-emotions-to-create-more-joy-love-and-peace-jude-bijou-episode-103/ 

Our Guest Jude Bijou:

Attitude Reconstruction offers both practical and spiritual tools for happiness and a unified theory of human behavior. Integrating our emotions, feelings, thoughts, speech, and actions, Jude Bijou, ma, mft has uncovered the jet path to go from sadness, anger, and fear to joy, love, and peace. She has extensive experience with radio interviews and writes a thoughtful, informative, and uplifting monthly newsletter, and articles for publication on a broad variety of topics, from business to relationships, and from personal growth to child rearing practices. Jude is a workshop leader who also teaches adult education classes on both communication and how to change negative thoughts and handle emotions constructively through Santa Barbara City College.

Jude Bijou MA MFT is a respected psychotherapist, professional educator, workshop leader, and consultant. Her award-winning book is Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life.

To learn more or connect with our guest visit https://attitudereconstruction.com

Our Sponsors: 

Inward Bound Mindfulness Education—iBme— provides In-depth mindfulness programs for teens and young adults. Courses and retreats help them learn awareness, compassion, and concentration practices which develop deep listening skills, self-awareness, and communication—essential competencies for success in all areas of life. Offerings have expanded to include courses for parents and other adults; all available online for 2020.

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